When my life runs me instead of me running it
This Week
I completed maybe 0.45 of solid business driving tasks this week. Instead, I walked in circles, stared out the window, listened to 4 different audio books at once and tried to diagnose why I couldn’t focus. The house has been exceptionally chaotic. I gave up and let guests see the house it as we’re living in it, because I couldn’t get myself together to fake a clean home. How am I supposed to lead a team working from home when I have days like this stacking up?
The Feeling
Overwhelm. Oh you know her too? Don’t jump to conclusions but she arrives and demolishes my momentum once or twice a month. I look around like I’ve been dropped into a life I don’t recognize. I would take a nap because I’m obviously blaming this on lack of sleep, but my nerves won’t settle long enough for me to power nap my way back to productivity. Take a shot of espresso then? It sounds like such a good idea until I’m lying awake at midnight wondering where that energy was at 3PM.
The Expectation Gap
This season of life is rollercoaster. And I am here for it, 5 days out of the month. On the days I can clear the fog from my mind, I look around and know that I’m living the dream– working from home, watering plants that refuse to live, cuddling my baby, building businesses that will one day make me passive income. But reality is broken conversations, inconsistent team meetings because sick baby or skipped naptime, 73 software programs I’m trying to implement to save time while the baby sleeps and before school pickup, and a 4 year old that just wants to play.
The Tension
Grace. If I could give that to myself, it would change everything. But that doesn’t come with the perfectionist’s assembly kit, does it? I listen to motivational podcasts, watch inspiring youtube channels and read books that tell me that I can have it all. That work-life balance isn’t a thing, and that if I’m not enjoying it, I’m doing it wrong. And if I’m hating it, that’s also wrong. I’m trying to operate like I’m being told I should– while raising tiny humans, building businesses and expecting myself to have the energy to do it all. And then I fall off the wagon when I inevitably fail at doing them all well. What if I’m not failing but I’m comparing myself to other people who aren’t building a life with small children?
The Honest Realization
My capacity has grown over time, whether I can stop to appreciate that or not is a different story. But even with my stress capacity skyrocketing from where I used to sit, there is only so much I can give. I’m learning that I have to protect my energy and prioritize things that recharge me. As much as I feel like I must be the housekeeper, cook, CFO, CEO, personal financial planner and child raiser– yes I must do those things, but strategically. And maybe life isn’t really out of control– maybe it’s just full. I’m not unmotivated, I’m learning how to live stretched really thin.
Right now
Letting go of control might be the hardest lesson to learn, and would explain why I keep getting served the same lesson. I’m an optimizer. A planner. And I just want my vision board to not have been a waste of time. But the whole plowing ahead thing whether it’s aligned or not is really not working for me anymore. I don’t want to force my way through this season, I want to learn to move with it. Maybe this isn’t a time of control. Maybe it’s a season of letting go and learning to live in the life that I’ve built.